Thursday, June 18, 2009

Younger Days


'Memories, Like the corners of my mind

Misty water-colored memories

Of the way we were'

Do you wonder what happened to your younger days ?

I do .. a lot ... lately.

I was in coma.
Just those words ... who says that ...

I do.

I guess I'm in a special club. Only I haven't met anyone who's in it. I think we walk around pretending it didn't happen. Those of us who were lucky enough .. to recover enough .. to be able to walk and talk enough .. to act normal enough.

I can't explain what my life is like. The recovery is a blur and at the same time, the longest part of my life. I remember it the most. I do better with the present. The past is a sort of memory for me. I remember some things and some I need help with.

Someone asked me what it was like. I told them it was like nothing. Nothing at all. I didn't think. I just was. I didn't feel. I just did. I was a child learning everything. With time, I remembered more and could function almost like a real person. Only I wasn't ... real. I just was.

It's been a while now and I still have memory problems. Not big things ... I know how to walk and talk and drive and think. I just don't think like I used to. I was educated. I knew lots of things. I felt things. Now, I don't feel like I used to. I don't remember like I used to.

It's like I've learned to pretend. Pretend to be me. Me ... can I look that up? I'm learning who that is by myself.

I used to be young.

I remember some of that. Where did those years go ? When did I get old?

Would it have been better not to remember at all ? I sometimes think it would have ... been better. It's been hard ... learning to be me ... the parts of me ... that I remember. And, even those memories are off a bit.

I'm almost the same only I'm not. I never will be.

I am always in search of peace. I think I lost it when I lost myself.

It's silly ... to be searching for things that are lost ... isn't it ?

I look in the mirror and I see an old lady ... I think I wear my wrinkles well even if some of them I can't recall...

21 comments:

Susan at Stony River said...

What a beautiful and fascinating post; you've really left me thinking today.

My brother-in-law was/is a community activist, writer, actor, father, lots of things, always busy. At 48 he had a series of strokes, died and was revived, spent months in a coma and then more months surviving, waking, learning to talk again, sit again, everything again. That year and the years since have left everyone in the family discovering life all over again, with higher highs and lower lows than we ever knew before. It's been soul-shaking. And amazing.

I love your photo. We're on our way to West Virginia in a few weeks and I'm so longing for the mountains.

Kritter Keeper said...

well, i can say this... you certainly do NOT look old! you look healthy and intelligent to me!! you didn't mention how long you were in a coma...i always wondered if folks who were in a coma could hear the loved ones talking to them...from what i read, i am thinking you could not?

i do not think you are silly for searching for answers in the past. i developed a memory book for my mom about our deceased relatives and that was the theme i opened with....how the past offers answers to our present moments and our future. kinda hard to explain here...i think the you, you are experiencing this very moment is the true you. we never are what we were in the past because of all the changes we experience...love your blog!!!! glad i found it!!!

JC said...

I was in a coma for nine days .. I think that's the number. It might be eight.

I don't remember people talking to me but I have sort of memories ... my family has told me that they would talk to me and for some reason I have ... memories ... of that ... only I don't know if they are made up or not

I like the me that I have created.

And, the past well it was so last year wasn't it ?

I live my life like nothing happened and sometimes ... I do have to write about what happened to me ... what continues ... to be my life

I could write a book about it ...

Noll's Nip said...

I have had my own memory problems...battled a disease for over 10 years and "it" became the focus and imprint instead of the memories that should have taken hold. I feel for your lost. Your post, though sad, was beautifully written.

JC said...

Noll ~ I am so sorry that you had an illness that took away some of your years.

I so enjoy your blog and your cat. May your future years be full of joy !!!

Susan ~ Oh it's the simply things in life that are so amazing to me. The use of my hands and talking and walking .. until they are taken away from you ... well, every morning I am so grateful to be able to have them

Kritter ~ I don't really know if I could hear them. Like I said, I have some memories ... whether they are my new made up ones ... I don't know.

I'm glad I found your blog too !!!

Herrad said...

Hi JC,

Just want to say that you are a fine woman.

Glad to have met you, thanks for sharing this post it is very moving.

Love,

Herrad

Night Owl said...

That was a wonderful post :-)

JC said...

Herrad ~ I love your blog ... whether you are having a good or bad day.

Night Owl ~ I just found your blog. Thanks for finding mine.

Today is a good day. Some aren't but today is !!

Pop and Ice said...

I've never been in a coma and there's tons of stuff, probably, YEARS I don't remember. But I think it's in large part that I don't hold on to the past - or even review it - all that much. My kids tease me all the time and even try to create stuff that never happened just to test me. But I just ignore them...

My Mom was in a coma for over a month in 2005 due to - we don't really know - except she was found in a snow drift and had been outside for 4-6 hours before she was found. Her fingers had to be amputated. Her memory is very spotty. But one blessing of it is that she doesn't seem to remember the nastiness and the virtual total estrangement we had between 2000-2005.

I could lie and say we are close now, but we're not. I'm her guardian and I take good care of her, enable her to live on her own, but she's unhappy. She wants to be back home in her own house which is just not doable/affordable or safe for her. So either way she wasn't/isn't happy with me. Either way I'm still the bad daughter.

I wish I knew a way through this dilemna.

JC said...

Pop & Ice ~ That's a long time to be in one. Can only imagine what toll it took on your family to get her back to a semi normal state.

As I've told you before, I helped my Mom through her last years ... she's been gone now for ten .. we didn't always get along but I tried due to the fact that I understood where she came from ... a bit ... due to having kids and life. My Mom made a lot of mistakes and now unfortunately I am making some of my own.

I think each coma is different ... the damage ... seen or unseen .. I have more damage ... memory and emotional ... than can be seen.

I have trouble dealing with people cause I look like I'm fine and like my post said ... I never will be.

I just try each day and each day brings me new challenges and each day I survive.

May your road be just a bit easier and may your days with your Mom be kinder to both of you.

Tuck said...

When I got done reading this post I just stopped for minute and thought about it. I think its impossible for someone who hasn't been though something similar to truly comprehend what it must have been (and still be) be like. That said, I can to a point understand how you would feel like you have lost part of yourself. To go through such a trauma, the body and soul must be affected. Many say that writing is one of the best forms of therapy, hopefully talking about it here, to us, helps you in some little way.

And by the way -- I don't think you look old at all!

Laoch of Chicago said...

About a year and a half ago I had a stroke which damaged my memory so I can relate to this. Good wishes to you.

MaoMao said...

JC, what a thought-provoking and beautiful post. I'm sorry for what you went through. You're filled with courage and heart, and I am inspired by how you meet the challenges of life a day at a time. My kitties and I are happy and honored to meet you, and we're sending you hugs and purrs.

Thomma Lyn, the Ballicus Mom

JC said...

Laoch ~ You can so relate. I hope you are doing ok now.

Mao ~ Thank You. I truely enjoy your blog. I have a Snowshoe Siamese like you do.

Tuck ~ I formed this blog so I could write .. about this, my life now, my cats, my love of Lilacs and whatever else seems to be on my mind.

Thanks to all of you for commenting. It means a lot to me. Sometimes I live in a very quiet world. With cat hair of course ..

Rain said...

I think you're beautiful! You do wear your wrinkles well and you write so wonderfully. You give a lot of people inspiration and courage by your writing, I can definitely speak for myself.

JC said...

Rain ~ Thanks. I love reading your post too. Glad we found each other.

beth said...

your story is a gentle reminder to all of us to appreciate every day that is given to us and to not take anything for granted...

thanks for the inspiration you shared with us and I hope you keep making new memories everyday !

Wish on a Whisker said...

Such a lovely post to share with us all! I'm always trying to figure things out. I'm really starting to believe that the universe is always trying to help us in some way. Maybe put us on the right track. Thanks for your sweet comments on my blog! I enjoy them! ~Mandy

JC said...

Beth ~ Thanks. I enjoy your blog. You have such a kind spirit.

Mandy ~ Your blog is Purrfect. I'm always thrilled when I see that you've posted. I have an odd feeling that I went somewhere and came back ... coma stuff ... like I wasn't quite done here ... could be that I just needed to come back to feed the cats and dogs ... I'm sure that was it .. me saying, that I had a Siamese to feed.

jc said...

JC, I've just found your blog by visiting Night Owls and decided to take a look because we have the same user name! So glad I did so. Your writing about your coma was fascinating. I shall certainly come back again.

JC said...

JC ~ A Wow MEOW ... another JC ... I'll go check out your blog. Visit anytime !!!

There comes a time in your life when you walk away from all of the drama and the people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right and pray for those who don’t. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is part of life, getting back up is living.

~ Jose N. Harris

Characters In My Garden

Purr Gang ~ My five cats

Cats ~ Al, Ashton Rosevelt, Jasmine Marie, Riley Andrew & Meredith Ann

Fur Gang ~ Jodie Isabella and Sally Jean
(The Original member, Sweet Bella is in memory only now. Maddy Jean, another original member, past away in August of 2014)

Mr. Boatman ~ my husband who likes boats

DD ~ my daughter who graduated and is now out living in the real world

DS or Dson ~ my son is studying computer science and math



Maddy Jean & Bella

Maddy Jean & Bella
Both gone but never forgotten

Jodie Isabella

Jodie Isabella

Al

Al
I adopted him from our local Humane Society

Ashton

Ashton
Adopted from my local horse supply store

Jasmine

Jasmine
I adopted her from Purrfect Pals

Riley

Riley
I adopted him from the local Humane Society

Meredith Ann

Meredith Ann
I adopted her from Purrfect Pals