I'd like to tell you what I did today. I'd like to say that putting up the holiday decorations was fun. Me dusting the mantle and arranging the candles .. the fancy ones that are kept in the china cabinet. Some from my Mother and others from years upon years. My dining room table has quite the assortment of reindeer and ice skating figurines. The pizza order was made on line no less. The two boys drove to get it.
As I went to find my next candle holders, thinking that I would put 'need more candle holders' on my gift list, I counted my dogs. One. Not two but one. Where was Bella ? Did we leave her outside ? I remember seeing her walk past the dining room windows a bit ago. Could she still be out there ? It's kind of cold out and they don't like to be out there for too long. I opened the door and called her name. Nothing. I clapped my hands in their known pattern. Yes, I clap a pattern for them. Still ... nothing. I walked across the icy deck to see if she was in the woods.
It was then that I saw her. Sitting next to the hot tub. She looked lost. I called her name and told her to come. She looked away. I came closer. She tried to hide even more. I called her again while looking at those icy steps. She came just a few steps and gave me the 'who are you' look. I knew she was gone in her world. Lost to what she knows. My old dog. My puppy who is lost. I knew what to do. I got the bones from the kitchen. Walked back outside to where she was hiding. I showed her the bones by leaning over the balcony as far as I could ... still trying not to go on those steps.
It's then that it happened. She remembered the bones. Not me though. She followed the bones all the way to the door. As she came in, she forgot why she had come in. I called her name and she turned her head. I gave her the two well deserved bones. She's coming in and out of remembering her life. My dear sweet old dog.
So, today will be remembered as many things. The day we brought out the holiday boxes from the attic. The day we laughed about things found in them. I will remember that today was the day that I realized that my dog is on her way. I have tried to repair her for years. This surgery and that. She takes pills every day for her 'maybe bladder cancer'. I pretend it's just cause.
Only today I can't pretend. I know. Today I know I'm going to lose her. I think it's just a matter of time. Damn ...
~ JC ~
~ JC ~